How do you define the word path? I define it like this. The distance between two points, from point A to point B. In life, people travel on many paths. We will never know if we are on the right path, however, we will find out after we get on a different path. One path leads us to others. We will never know where all these paths lead us to. The only thing we can do is to have faith it will lead us to wherever we want to be in time and trust in the higher power. As the saying goes, “It’s not the destination, it’s the journey.” Enjoying the journey, ‘the getting there’, is at least as important as arriving at the destination.
We cannot, and should not, choose a path for someone else to travel on. The person needs to choose his or her own path because they have their own life to live. I think the main reason that two people go their separate ways is, over time, one person gains more knowledge, or develops a different perspective, than the other person.
For example, two people travel down the same path in a relationship, and over time person number one gains more knowledge than person number two: Person number two can handle the change in person number one because one has changed and he or she is not the same person that two knew once upon a time. Even though the path was shared, they likely experienced the journey differently, and developed their own knowledge and truth over time.
Often we think we will travel the path with that person for the rest of our lives but we never count on things changing between us. Just because we might be in a well-established positive relationship, doesn’t mean that conflict can, or will, be avoided. Things come up where we need to adapt and we have no control over what the change is, between you and the other person[1].
Sometimes in life, we have to travel on several paths in order to pursue our dream. It is hard to know if we are on the right path. The only thing we can do is try. There is no way really to know what the future holds.
When we are in crisis at some point in our life we cannot see a clear path that we need to take; it’s like being in a building where we cannot see the way out. All we can see is the smoke from the fire. To experience emotional pain is to be human, and there is no way for us to escape these experiences. These experiences help us to grow and to be able to handle hard times in our lives. We need to experience the hard times that will make us stronger human beings. There is no reason to avoid (or seek) these unpleasant situations, rather, when they inevitably arrive, we should treat them as opportunities for learning.
Perhaps, an example of an opportunity to learn new concepts is warranted.
Let’s just say you are reading this writing at 2 pm and you are anxiously waiting for 4 pm because you have something important to do. Although you want to do it before 4 pm, for some reason you need to go through the two hours between 2 and 4 pm, which is hard for you. At some point we “need” hardship. This may sound undesirable, or perhaps even counter-intuitive, but adversity is inevitable, even though our response is a choice. We can choose to see hardship as an opportunity to learn and grow, or we can choose to see it as an impassible barrier. There is no way for us to skip over hardship. Somehow we need to find the strength to deal with things that make us who we are. Adversity can feel like we have been pushed off of our path (or onto a different path), but we can also choose to see it as a simple detour. In hindsight, we often recall the circuitous route fondly, as a journey worth the time, energy, and discomfort, and worthy of a proud story. We need them before we can go forward; these are not distractions, rather, they are opportunities for character building.
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The people in our lives are the most significant element of our journeys. When we part ways, it can be hard to say goodbye even knowing you do not want to do anything with them anymore. They might have been instrumental in helping us get to the present, but that does not necessarily mean that they will be around for the remaining journey along our path. In a way, this is an example of the end-of-life illusion[2]. Everything, including a personal relationship, is transient and temporary. Our companion may not share the same passion to travel on the same path. You cannot make plans for anyone because it is their life, not yours. No matter how good your ideas are. It is their life, not yours. Sometimes you have to say goodbye because they hold you back, or want to steer you in a different direction. You try but sometimes you need to say enough is enough, especially if they make you feel it is your fault, not theirs. You know it is not your fault[3] because you know you try to keep everything together but at some point the dam breaks. Although there are lots of things we can do to keep our relationships relevant and vibrant, there are also lots of things that are beyond our direct control. At those times, there is nothing we can do to stop the dam breaking – we only control our response. We all enter this world alone and we also leave this world alone.
Nobody can say how many people cross your path in your life. Regardless as to whether the interaction was good or bad, each person has made some kind of impact in your life. Their influence make us into who we are; we are shaped by each person that we share our path with. It does not matter how much time — a minute or a lifetime.
Society assumes your family will have your back. This may hold true most of the time, but some of us have to crawl to seek approval from our families, when it seems that the only thing we have in common with them is some DNA. During the last few years I learned the concept of building and investing in your chosen families, families who, rather than act judgmentally, act to remove barriers and support me as I travel the right path – the path I have chosen — for me to travel on. The people in my chosen families possess exemplary listening skills, and refrain from making uninformed opinions or conclusions about me.
[1] Control is not inherently good or bad but it can be a reflection of the health of a personal relationship. While it is true that, in general, control is associated with agency and happiness, attempting to control other people is usually counter-productive, whereas “positive” manifestations of control are a focus on self-control, control of their environment such as timing of response, and control of the scope of a conflict itself. In other words, even though you might be in a fight with your partner, a constructive approach is to find common ground or aspects of the argument that lend themselves to sharing control.
[2] The end-of-history illusion is a psychological term used to label the tendency for individuals to believe that they have experienced significant personal growth and changes in tastes up to the present moment, but will not substantially grow or mature in the future.
[3] Okay, perhaps it is your fault, after all, it’s common to let our guard down and make a clumsy statement that might offend our partner. If this is the case, we have essentially lost control of the situation; we are now at the mercy of our partner’s response. Hopefully, our partner recognizes that we’re human – we’re complex – nobody is perfect, and, nobody is all good or all bad, in other words, they see the value of continuing the conversation, especially if we, without hesitation, offer a sincere apology. Otherwise, they might use this as an excuse to abandon the relationship.